Issues

DISPENSABLE RULES FOR RIGHT LIVING

 

MY GRANDSON'S birth in Sept 2009 inspired me to come up with two posts along the lines of the clan elder (me) offering his sage advice to the newest member of the tribe. The piece below represents a reshuffle of my original two lists, plus some new stuff. I make no claim to originality (one of my aphorisms is a shameless rehash of Diogenes). My status as a dispenser of wisdom derives from an unparalleled lifetime streak of doing everything wrong. Enjoy ...

Four Rules for Living with Perspective

1. Remember, Hannibal never won a battle with his elephants.
2. Caviar is fine, but peanut butter will always be your friend.
3. We elude happiness far more than happiness eludes us.
4. God has a sense of humor. Trust me, every day you will do something to make Him snort milk out His nose.

Four Rules for Making Wise Decisions

1. The Wise Man knows when to quit while he’s behind.
2. If you challenge Tiger Woods to a game - make sure it’s not golf.
3. Ration your hate. Don’t indulge.
4. When you reach into your pocket searching for a one dollar bill and all you can come up with is twenties - try not to express your disappointment.

Four Rules for Right Conduct

1. There is no excuse for dancing like a white man.
2. You are a book responsible for your own cover. Expect people to judge.
3. We are who we pretend to be. You can’t go wrong pretending to be JFK or Martin Luther King.
4. If you suck up to the rich and powerful, you won’t have to do your own laundry. If you do your own laundry, you won’t have to suck up to the rich and powerful.

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Four Observations About Meaning

1. Friends are a way better investment than money.
2. A good poop is way better than mediocre sex.
3. Our purpose here on earth is to laugh at farts.
4. There is one constant in life: Ursula Andress will always be the all-time number one Bond Girl.

Four Observations About the Mysteries of Life

1. Thoreau danced to a different drummer, but he also died a virgin.
2. Napoleon lost an entire army in north Africa and an entire army in Russia. Still, he had no trouble recruiting volunteers for Waterloo. Go figure.
3. God has a funny way of treating people He loves most. Just ask Joan of Arc.
4. The oldest known redwood is 2,200 years old. An idiot with a chainsaw only needs one day.

Four Observations on Reality

1. If you think you are experiencing God - it’s probably dopamine.
2. If you think you are experiencing love - it’s probably dopamine.
3. That doesn’t mean God or love is not real ...
4. ... but we know dopamine is.

First published as two blogs 2009, reworked as an article, April 9, 2011, reviewed Dec 3, 2016.